Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
