I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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