I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
