where am i from again
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Randomize
