It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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