So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
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I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
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You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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