Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
