You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize