my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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