there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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