Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
