this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
