I wannas sexs uuuuu
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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