my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
