Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
