Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I want a musical about memes.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
