i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
