At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
