I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
