Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
