We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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