I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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