dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
