Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
