My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So apparently I’m into choking now
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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