im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
