the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
