We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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