In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
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The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
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are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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