u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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