Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
