He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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