i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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