I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
