I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
