I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
