if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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