the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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