I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
