I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You took a bar mat shot.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
