and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
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the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
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The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.