Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Randomize
