my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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