omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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