Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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