had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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