You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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