I need to stop coming to work sober
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
