youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
