on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
