she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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