so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
