The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
