I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize