drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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