Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
