I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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