she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
