i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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