Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
