Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
