6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
