Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
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It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
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Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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